“You are a psychologist, you should know better”

“You lose your cool with us all the time. I don’t know how you keep calm (or) remain patient with your clients”

“How are you so quick to react? What do you tell your clients?”

“You are a psychologist. You should know better how to control your emotions (or) keep your emotions in check”

“You are a psychologist. How can you get angry?”

These are some of the things that mental health professionals hear from their family and/or friends in situations of conflict or disagreement.

Fun fact: Therapists are humans. 

Our training doesn’t take away our ability to feel, detach or disconnect from people, situations and emotions. Like every other human being, we have our emotions, get into disagreements, have heated arguments, break down and frequently get overwhelmed by emotions where we react instead of act. Like every single person who walks through our actual or virtual doors, our minds and bodies carry the memories of traumatic or difficult experiences that prime us to behave in ways wherein we feel out of control.

Our training gradually helps in building self-awareness of these patterns and aids in some form of reflection or self-control. We may also see ourselves as having evolved in our reactions to distressing situations with other people. However, we fall prey to our old patterns of behaving or emoting the minute we get into conflicts with people who tend to ‘bring it out in us’. This is because our relationship dynamic with family members and friends are often laced with conflict, disagreement, hostility, baggage and a history of communication patterns that are a breeding ground for conversations that are full of misunderstandings, blame-games and criticism.

Our retrospective thinking and reflections are tinged with self-criticism or guilt over not having handled the situation better. Reminding ourselves of our humanness during those times can (sometimes) help. But when we are told that we SHOULD handle things differently because of our profession, that can further invalidate our own experiences or reinforce the thinking that we, in fact, SHOULD be better. The pressure that can create is enormous.

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If you are a mental health professional, this is a warm reminder for you: you are not defined by your profession.

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You are doing the best you can. You are allowed to give in to your emotions and have a breakdown every now and again. You are allowed to lose control and revert to old patterns that you are struggling to grow out of, and to extend the empathy and understanding you reserve for your clients to yourself. It is these moments and these experiences that allow you to remain rooted to your human-ness and find connection with everyone who walks through your doors, physically or virtually. Your training can help you understand your triggers better and navigate your way through difficult situations and emotions, but that isn’t always the case. And in knowing that, you can add another layer to your relatedness with your clients, and believing it when you tell them that learning emotion-management or coping skills is never a linear process.

If you know someone who is a mental health professional, this is a gentle reminder for you: They are just like you - Humans first. We know you have it in you to extend the compassion you desire from others to the other person in front of you who seemingly has it all together.